Spiritual Gas Tank... To say that mine has been running on fumes would be an overstatement. That in part explains why this place has gone a bit to pot. That plus trying to write for other folks (which I love) has made writing time dear.
Now I'm not promising anything, by any means. I do plan on getting back in the saddle with my daily ramblings and writing my fiction. Reading about a young lady who is on novel number four and had her movie optioned by Peter Jackson should help me be inspired, not depressed. I just don't feel that my stuff is quite ready for prime time.
Anyway, back on topic. I haven't done any sort of meaningful spiritual things in quite some time. No Bible reading, practically no praying unless I'm with others who are, and I'm not back in choir or leadership training both of which started back this month. I just have no desire and as time passes that is no longer really bothering me. I'm asking myself, "Is this it? Is this how someone falls away?"
And if it is then I guess I'm okay with that. Don't get me wrong, I'm not turning into an atheist by any means. It's just that the way we American Protestants do church doesn't make any sense to me. Most of them seem to be afraid or unwilling to be anything more than either modern Pharisees, or "free spirits" that completely pick and choose (though we all do that to varying degrees) and turn religion into a self-help resource. Add to that the fact that the Bible seems more and more to be a bunch of made up/grossly embellished stories by well meaning men.
Something my wife and I talked about is the fact that she see all of this sort of thing in B&W and I see, at best, shades of gray. Sometimes I wish I had her faith, not that it's perfect or makes her life any easier. It just seems better than the constant roller coaster that I stay on.
I guess I'm just tired of running a race that I can't win. The outcome is already decided so why bother?
Just so you know I'm not depressed or suicidal. I am tired. I am busy. I am stressed. But I don't think there's anything to be worried about in regards to my physical wellbeing.
Any of you ever gone through anything like this? I mean I've had low, loooooooow points in my life. I've even taken antidepressants. That was nothing like this. This feels a lot more like an internal paradigm shift of some sort.